Sleeping under the stars

I have been wanting to sleep outside at night for years. But I always come up with excuses of why it is too inconvenient and difficult.
I've done some camping here and there but usually as a cheap place to stay when we were traveling. In the 7 years since children came along we have probably slept out 2 or 3 times.

I realized that I am urgently seeking mystical clues of what step to take next in my life, but, really, I have had a strong urge to do something, that calls deeply to me, and I still haven't done it.
I think I'm probably supposed to listen to that urge.
But it's cold outside.
My sleeping bag won't zip.
What about bugs?
My back is sore and I need a good mattress.
Rob has a c-pap machine for his sleep apnea and has no interest in sleeping outside. I'll miss him.
What if the children wake?

See?
Lots of excuses.
I recently rediscovered the Loreena McKennitt song The Dark Night of the Soul and it reminded me that I have had this urge for many years.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHbiXCaEOuI&feature=related

Loreena McKennitt - The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

---

Loreena writes in the CD booklet about this song:

May, 1993 - Stratford ... have been reading through the poetry of 15th century Spain, and I find myself drawn to one by the mystic writer and visionary St. John of the Cross; the untitled work is an exquisite, richly metaphoric love poem between himself and his god. It could pass as a love poem between any two at any time ... His approach seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to his god ... I have gone over three different translations of the poem, and am struck by how much a translation can alter our interpretation. Am reminded that most holy scriptures come to us in translation, resulting in a diversity of views.

The cd came out in 1994 when I was in college and I remember reading the liner notes and listening to the music in my tiny square dorm room and thinking, "I could go wander around out there in the quiet night and then fall asleep outside!" It gave me a thrill then, too.

I loved the idea of sneaking down a secret stairwell with a lantern!
I loved her interpretation of the poem as a love song to the divine.
Even though I was a co-founder of ASP (The Association of Smith Pagans) I felt a universality to the yearning St John described.
"But I can't go outside now." I thought, "It would be weird."
And I didn't really want to be weirder than I already was...
I had different excuses then, I'm sure.
Where would I go?
What if I slept late and people found me in the morning?
What about the good night sleep I needed for class the next day?

I did give it a try with the girls in June this year.
But Georgia was puzzled about why we were lying down in a fabric fort outside at night.
I finally passed her through the tent door to Rob at 10pm when she had kept Lily and me awake and stepped on my resting head about 100 times.
Then Lily and I got chilly (It got unseasonably cold and windy!) so we snuck into the living room and slept on the futon.

I'd better try again before the snow comes.