Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Clearing out

old baby equiptment.
I can't believe I am doing this.
I have been holding on to all this baby stuff, hoping one day I would have my third baby.
But it hasn't happened.
And now this stuff is 9 years old and taking up alot of space in our small house that has very limited closet space.

My frustrated desire for another child has been really bothering me for years. I wrote an essay about it that appeared in Literary Mama

I was always thinking, weighing and wondering.
"Can I do this work schedule with a new baby? How will I get Lily to violin practice with a new baby? Will it cry all the time? Will I be pregnant this summer, winter? Why bother buying clothes, losing weight, or getting a puppy because maybe I'll be pregant soon."

I felt that my life wouldn't be complete without that third child.

But in the last couple of months, weeks even, things have changed.
It started with my therapist suggesting (maybe not for the first time?) letting it go; maybe believing that if I am meant to have another child I will; if not then I won't.

It was difficult to even entertain that thought. It felt like giving up on something I had been fighting to keep alive.

But I have been holding on so tight I haven't been fully engaging in the life I actually have.
So I tapped on it.
I tapped alot and surprising odd connections, obsessions and issues came up and were released.
I feel so much more openness and trust, now.
(I still feel a bit conflicted. As I write this I do feel some anger and grief that I didn't get my third baby, (and part of me still wants to write, yet) but I'll tap on that, too.)
I am astonished how much the tapping has been helping me process things in general and make blocks disppear.
Here's the link again on how to do it if you're interesting. It's pretty incredible. I do it when I'm alone in the car and in the shower.

So I dumped the stuff at Goodwill.
Emptied out the closet and the trunk.

Making room for something else.


  1. This is hard, important work. The post made me both sad and happy for you. Feels well balanced though.

  2. Beautiful and sad. You always put it so well, K.

  3. It does feel like kind of a clean sad.... Thanks for listening, ladies.