Lost email....

Ten years ago I traveled around India for three months in what I thought might be my last big travel adventure before having children. (It was.) I had an truly amazing experience. I got to wander the country alone with my backpack and then settle for a month in a crumbling tropical ashram while I studied yoga for five hours a day at the Iyengar Institute.

A high point in my travels was a ten day silent meditation retreat in Bodh gaya the village where the Buddha was enlightened 2500 years ago. I stayed with other meditators from around the world in the Thai Monastery and meditated most of the day, with breaks for wonderful food made on camp stoves, and rare showers done with buckets of water and a cup, all performed in silence. I had done quite a few of these retreats at home at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre MA and the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne, but my experience in India was really special, the fruit bats flew overhead at night, and during the day iridescent chickens paraded through the yard. The knowledge that I couldn't escape and go back home if I got too lonely was really focusing, and believe me, I got really lonely. I missed Rob, Azalea and my life so much that it hurt in my chest, making it hard to breathe sometimes.

Each night of the 10 day retreat there would be a Dharma talk. I looked forward to the talks and a break from my own mind. The teachers were young and excited to be teaching in such an auspicious setting. Their lectures and insights shed light on life's struggles with grace and humor. One of the teachers was Leela Sarti. She was young, the only female teacher and she was so gentle and generous. I was deeply moved by her teaching and talks and was profoundly comforted by our one-on-one conference (It was difficult to be in India, surrounded by so much suffering and focus on self-inquiry) I wanted to follow her around the world (she lived in Luxembourg) and learn from her, but I didn't. I came home and got pregnant shortly after (hooray!) and hadn't heard anything about Leela since Then, when I started to try meditating again in late 2008, I emailed her. I emailed anybody who had ever taught me, really, to ask: "How can I integrate motherhood and meditation? Why does it feel like sunrays are shooting into my head when I meditate? Afterward I feel like I can;t focus on anything, even my children. How can this be helpful?" I didn't get many responses. The Martha Beck webmaster told me to take shorter breaths which helped a bit, people told me to try and ground myself and after the meditation to send the energy back into the ground. Leela never got back to me. Who knew if her email was correct anyway?
Last week she wrote me back! She had lost my email, put it in a drafts folder and found it. It would have been helpful then, but it was helpful now. Here it is.


My warmest greetings and congratulations to you. I am so sorry but your mail and my response got lost on my drafts folder and while organizing my mailbox I discovered it. I am sure that you are on a different part of your path. Please feel free to write again if you wish and I will respond promptly. This is what I wrote before:
I hope that this mail finds you and your children peaceful and in good health. As a mother of two children myself, I can sympathize with the complexity involved in re-establishing a vibrant meditation practice. It is possible but you may have to let go of any images of what practice is. Practice of presence is what counts. Having said that it is valuable to have a regular and formal practice, and if possible try to increase it to 20 minutes. For most people there is a shift in consciousness happening around 20 minutes of practice. Walking mediation is a great way of practicing with the kids. As our life circumstances change, we are called to change and be creative in the way we practice. In addition to the daily personal mediation you could also try to have a daily meditation time when the children are around and thus get a chance to be familiar with meditation as yet another thing that adults do (like the cooking, the talking on the phone and so on). I have enjoyed sharing in this way with my children. I am sure you know this, but I want to remind you anyway: the BuddhaDharma is a multi-faceted path and the more we tend to the whole of the eightfold path the more the depth of our being is supported.

When a woman becomes pregnant her physical heart gradually expands and grows to accommodate the increased flow of blood. In parallel, most women, whether they understand this or not, open up to new depths of their being. So even if you are very busy and your practice may be less formal than it used to be. It is all about your quality of presence. How you attend to yourself, your relationships how you move trough life and touch things, how you breath and relax. Endless moments within one day for that kind of practice....
What makes you feel good? Do more of that!

That energetic shifts and openings in the head happens is fine. If it makes you feel ungrounded or scared, shift your focus to the legs and relax, relax. Sometimes energetic experiences in the body and mind indicate the emerging essential aspects emerging, that when integrated will make us more of who we are. Being with yourself may bring you into contact with just how open and tender you are.
Just trust the organic unfolding of your being. Be quietly curious about the rays of sunlight in your head. Inquire into them, but not in a pushy way. "Inquiring into" basically means a feeling-awareness rather than mental analysis. What kind of "spaced out"? What happens when you end the mediation? What changes then?

I wish you and your family spacious peace and well being. May all your hearts desire be manifest.
with warm appreciation,
Leela

I felt so calm and happy after I read her email. I was thrilled with the advice, too. Makes me want to go meditate while the girls watch Dora.
I love the idea of doing more of what makes me feel good! This goes along with my horoscope
at Free Will Astrology http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/20100408.html
This would be an excellent time for you to take inventory of what brings you pleasure. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you're due for an update and upgrade. Some of your tried-and-true strategies for generating joys and thrills are fraying at the edges. You should consider refurbishing them, even as you also think about going in quest of fresh sources of delight. For extra credit, see if you can gain access to an experience that could accurately be described as "a blessed state of bliss."


So I have been pondering. What does make me happy? Why don't I do more of it?