Yelling Mom

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Lily and I had a blowout today. I don't think we've ever had such a blowout before....
She and Georgia were screaming at the top of their lungs about something foolish as I was trying to talk to Rob on the phone. I kept trying to escape them and finish my conversation about dinner, but they followed me out to the porch and then back into the kitchen. It ended with them both just screaming one note at the top of their lungs. Then Rob hung up! I was so frustrated at the inability to have a simple conversation without being hounded, that I yelled, which I usually don't do. I threw the paper Lily had handed me in the midst of the chaos, onto the ground as I yelled, "Enough! Enough! Stop it! Stop yelling!'

Nice modeling Mom. But I lost it.

I didn't know the paper I threw down was a precious drawing she had done of owls sitting on a branch in the moonlight.
She was so upset she yelled, "I hate you! You are the worst Mama ever!" and ran out.
Well!
I almost chased her out on the porch and grabbed her by the arm; I had a vision of pointing my finger close in her face and yelling, "Don't you every say that to me again!"
But, I took a moment. Maybe because I was glad to finally have quiet. I thought, "She doesn't even know what that means. She just said it to hurt me; to have impact."
I tried to get a little space and get away from them, but when I went dump the compost, Lily mumbled from the stairs, "I feel like you hate me." Uggh. It made all the fury and the unjustness of the situation fizzle out of me. I went and sat with her on the stairs and we had a talk, a "I will never hate you. No matter what." talk.
I then processed what had happened: hungry rushed family, no one feeling listened to, me demanding space and not getting it, Lily feeling fury and not knowing what to do with it. But I don't think it helped Lily.
I suggested, "How about next time you are so angry you yell, "I am so angry!!!"? She looked up from her sniffly dejected stance and said, "No, I don't think that would help. I feel more comfortable saying I hate you." Hmmm. I figured we hadn't gotten too far and we'd better stop talking.
I don't want to have a relationship where my kid says "I hate you!" but I also know I'm pretty uncomfortable with anger in general. I've been feeling other mothers out about this one since yesterday and most are reporting their kids say it to them sometimes......
Except for Nancy at work tonight who said, "No oh no, she can never say that again. She'll say it so much it will come true. That's what happened to my sister and her daughter!" Hmmmm
That is what I feared someone would say.
But I don't think that's true.
I think it will be fine.
But it did make me want to read a book like Your seven year old from that series I never bothered to read before.

And it did remind me again that sometimes a mother needs time, space and quiet and she just doesn't get it. But she has to be a kind mom anyway. Hard.