Sunday, August 19, 2012

Weeds taking over

Lily had camp this week at Woolman Hill in Deerfield.  She goes to Girl's week every year and loves it.

Next year Georgia will go, but Lily wanted one more year there to herself.  Georgia and I walked around the property, once Lily was at camp, and admired the overgrown plants.

I am feeling a bitter about having too much to do.  I don't know how other people do it!  I want to read a guidebook.  I want to know how other people seem to be doing everything!  I really don't get it.

Here's my list:
Pay bills (Not just have the money, but manage it in a productive organized way!)
Work (Learn new skills, be present, process the drama and chaos of what can happen in a shift!)
Keep the garden beautiful (I know it's not a necessity, but that window of garden order this spring really made me happy.  But the weeds are taking over,)
Parent (Totally different children who need completely different things)
Partner (He likes some attention, too)
Creative work (I have been promising myself to write just 15 minutes a day and it breaks my heart how often I break that promise.)
Spirituality (I want to walk about in the woods and meditate 15 minute each days, but I don't.  Sigh)
Keep up home (Arrg.)
Keep up car (Don't even talk to me about that!  I have been driving around with a reject sticker on my car because I can't bear to spend the 375$ on fixing the middle back seatbelt that Cookie chewed and we don't use.  Still need to fix it.  Also part has been on back-order for weeks.)
Dog (Training a skittish yet hyper dog who can "sense the slightest change in your blood pressure and respond with anxiety" per the dog trainer.  Great.  Don't get stressed, now, or the dog will chew the molding.)
Food (Cook healthful, not too expensive gluten free meals everyone will eat in an organized and plentiful way.)  Ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm sure there's more, like friends and travel and reading but that list felt like the bare minimum.

See I'm bitter.

My therapist pointed out if I didn't have back issues it wouldn't be so hard, which is true.  Alot of my time and energy is spent on my back this past 4 months or so.

But also she wondered about weeds taking over.
Was that so bad?
Could they be a metaphor for the inevitable chaos of life.
Maybe not fighting it quite so much and just letting there be weeds.
They can be beautiful.
And fighting them takes a great deal of energy.

Woolman Hill is filled with weeds, buoyant happy weeds taking over the fields and the edges near the forest.
And they are lively and even useful and healing.  Above is Burdock in flower and the yellow flower above that is Jerusalem Artichoke, both are food and medicine plants.

Here the grapes are taking over something you can't even see anymore.

Georgia and I walked in our bare feet through the woods.
I let her lead.

We went into the yurt on the property and there Georgia found a mouse.  It looked at us with its round dark eye through one of the holes in the old stove pipe cover.  We looked back.  For what felt like a long time.  Then it scurried away.  We peeked in and saw its nest, fluffy and safe.  Georgia was beyond thrilled.  There was something in the moment where all the eyes were staring at one another, of discovery and surprise that was very satisfying.

And as we walked through the fields I fell for the weeds.  Fine.

I'm going to just observe what appears in my garden.  I'll just keep trying to muddle through.  But if anyone writes a guidebook; I want it.

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