Number Confession

So here is one of my secrets......numbers talk to me. I see the same numbers everywhere, license plates, mailboxes, clocks, everywhere. About seven years ago, I confided the my Plant Spirit Medicine practitioner I was seeing (an herbalist shaman who knew about these kinds of things) that I saw the same numbers everywhere, that 11:11 was always catching my eye.

I consider myself quite stable and practical so I was annoyed about this, disturbed that the divine would chose to speak with me in such a weird and unsatisfying way. If I was to have some communication, couldn't it be with colorful visions or dreams? I was also frightened. I knew most people would think some latent mental illness was rearing its head if I told them. I imagined myself ultimately ending up like a rainman adding numbers up in my head and mumbling incoherently (but accurately!) about the future. My wise medicine woman responded to my breathy and nervous revelation by looking a bit bored and saying, "It might just be for now, just a way in. It doesn't mean you will have to get obsessed with numbers. Just follow it and see where it takes you."

I was glad she was bored but I still resisted. I tried to buy analog watches, but after a few weeks I missed the numbers. Finally, years later, after merely nodding a respectful greeting when the numbers would appear I was on a late night Amazon book buying spree. I needed one more book to qualify for free shipping. There was a pink Angel Numbers book at the bottom of the screen and it caught my eye. I liked the author Doreen Virtue, my friend had just lent me her fairy book. I added Angel Numbers to my shopping cart with a hurried flush of shame. I didn't want to talk about Pythagoras! I didn't want to hear about sacred geometry! I didn't want to be a kook looking at her number reference book, but that is what I have become. Doreen and Lynnette Brown have come up with meanings for groupings of numbers. It gives me somewhere to go when I bombarded by a number throughout a day, "OK OK. Fine. What is it?"

The last few days it has been 311. Here's what the book says.

"The ascended masters are helping-and urging-you to keep your mind focused on creating and manifesting at the highest level of light and love. Avoid addictive behaviors, as they mask your desire to create."

Hmmm. Which addictive behaviors? The only addictions I really have are fretting over money and then spending it. Oh, and worrying about my weight and then eating. I am amazed by how much time they can take, though, maybe they're powerful distractions. The meditation has made them less potent, but the holiday season has certainly given them some juice.

Something to work on in 2009.

Happy New Year.

To Love, Light and Magic!

Fessing up

So the real reason I started this blog was to document the process of becoming crow lady, which is the name I've given to my wizard/witchy magical self. The almost two months of meditation I have done helped me see that I am scared and embarrassed both to be "new agey" and mockable as well as a weak wizard with limping powers. But when I meditate and actually imagine the life I am meant to live, I am not frightened of these silly things. I am a powerful whole person who is following subtle and simple divine guidance.

Here's a song I love from the movie Junebug, even though I didn't like the movie and I'm not Christian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XakhJYnGA3w

Watching the movie I was drawn to the singing, but now I realize that it also speaks to the gentle "smoke signals" that Martha Beck refers to when describing the way "The Force," "Universal Power" or "The Goddess" whatever one calls The Divine Energies (Jesus, in this song), how it calls stubbornly and persistently to us to enter the quiet, instead of exisiting in the shrill cacophony of noise that is our panicky culture.

I want to follow those smoke signals and see where they take me.

I love my lists, but...

I am so thrilled for the new year; for new beginnings.
I had just enough caffeine today to make me want to write copious lists and figure out a plan for life, fitness, creativity and finances.
But after almost two months of meditating I am a bit suspicious of my desire to list and plan. Usually I waste most of my oomph planning in a color coded way (see photo of healthful and responsible colorful list from November with NO checkmarks in all the empty boxes) I am prone to severe positive exuberance (I'm wondering about a tiny spot of mania as a write this) but I forget about follow-through (or I am so drained by everyday life/work/kids/world that I put my list out of my mind to endure just wading through the days.)
Anyway, maybe I can't do all these things? (See, I'm finding a way to write the list!)

Do pilates three times a week
Do yoga twice a week
Swim once a week
Spinning once a week
Jog once a week
(I want to do the triathlon sprint again next year and don't want to DREAD it)

Practice violin every day
Work down debt
Read read read (I got an itty bitty book light for x-mas)
Clean one room of the house a week
Eat better (follow weight watchers)
Read 4 day win by Martha Beck and apply
Continue to meditate daily

OK, that doesn't sound too crazy. I mean I can't do the pilates and yoga that often but maybe one class a week or I could just do the f%*&ing video that I have.

I also want to write in here as long as it's fun. So far it's fun, but Rob is my only follower. I like that for now, though.

Figuring out links

I'm so excited about adding some links to my blog

Here's a song I played non stop last month. It was something the girls and I could both enjoy, I loved the music and they loved the photos. It also was long enough I could get something done, like a sink full of dishes, before I had to hit replay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3zUYK4YU8M

Night before night before Christmas

I actually practiced the violin today with Lily. With Georgia still at school it was much more focused and serene than yesterday. It gave me the same peaceful deep quiet meditative feeling that meditating and writing do. I even tried to sing "Go tell Aunt Rody" while I played it which involved so much physical concentration I actually thought I might start drooling, which was a pleasant feeling for me. I am very excited.
The next few days will be busy with family and festivities but I am going to try to stick to practicing. What I don't want to do is bring the violin back on March 22nd, "the equinox" as the nice violin man noted. I have all this winter to actually start playing an instrument. I don't want to push it aside (like the piano I was so thrilled to have rolled into my house two years ago. The piano I plagued craigslist for and made my husband push into the house from a modified horse trailer) Uggh, there is a long history of not following through, but then, blessedly, an equally long history of trying again.
About 5 years ago an older neighbor was talking about having the fiddlers over in the afternoon. They would make themselves at home jamming in the big room overlooking the field we all stood in. Her husband sighed, saying, "They never leave and they eat all my food." But I was twistingly jealous; my first question, "How long have you played?"

I think, wondering, 'Is it too late for me?'

Miraculously she said, "Oh only a few years. I didn't start until I was 42, but I'm coming along and I love it."

My puzzling response was to immediately think, "Oh good I have 10 years before I have to start." I don't know why it wouldn't be to start right up. To maybe get invited to her ho-down in several years.
So after almost two months of meditating every day for 15 minutes I am feeling more like I am ready to do the things I've been wanting to do. there's no need to wait until there's more time or I have a big house with a view. I'm starting now.

Winter begins with violins

Today is the first day of winter and I picked up my rental violin. The violins were laid out on the table looking like a gathering of strange wooden horseshoe crabs. Some in protective velvet cases and some laid out naked on the velvet cloth. I finally picked one out. Lily, my 6 year old was getting very antsy, sidling up to me and loudly whipsering, "I'm bored." as the kindly violin man talked about tone and strings for almost 2 hours. I picked a speckled lovely instrument, partly for the tone and the strings, but mostly for the spotted color on the instrument and the bridge. It looks like it was made from a tree, which it was.

It's case is lined with blue velvet and the bow and rosin settle neatly into their places. We came home and tried a practice session together, me and my six year old (she has been playing for over a year). I had imagined it as bonding and lovely, but it was loud and confused; partly because Georgia, my newly 3 year old, demanded in a puzzled tone, "Where's mine? Where's my vilin?' over and over until I convinced her to grab another instrument and she grabbed a tin whistle and squeaked the whole session to a halt.

I am trying to begin both this blog and my new violin career today and I am a little nervous both will fizzle out. I am busy and tired most of the time, but I want to write more and I want to play an instrument so I'm going to try.

Rob helped me set up this blog last night and rented me my violin for my Christmas present. I told him I was scared I wouldn't follow through and he said, "I think you will, if it's important to you."

I just finished On Writing by Steven King and I loved it. His words, "The scariest moment is always just before you start." calmed me tonight and got me to sit down.

I have much to write; what it means to me to be a crow lady and how all the pieces will come together.

Getting started

So my personal blog begins. Rob just set me up on Blogger and I picked the name and colors. That's enough for day one.