I'm reading through the book
It's hard to make a difference when you can't find your keys by Marilyn Paul.
http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Make-Difference-When-Cant/dp/0142196177I found it in the piles of books my mother had left in my childhood bedroom when we visited on New Years.
I think it is the perfect book to help me tackle the chaos of our home and financial lives.
I am so excited I am actually doing the exercises!
One is:
Look at what your disorganization is costing you....
("an essential ingredient of change is to associate enormous pain with the way you are living now and enormous pleasure with the way you want to live" p.30)
Well, to start with, my hands are freezing because the oil ran out last night. The wood stove is doing the best it can but he house is really cold. Thank goodness the oil delivery truck just backed in the driveway (with a nifty 90$ fee to deliver oil today and restart the furnace)
I would blame the oil tank gauge which said 1/4 tank a few days ago, but last year when this happened I blogged about it, so if anyone is paying attention they might notice a pattern.
When Rob got out of the shower he asked me, quoting the movie
Away we go, which we saw and enjoyed last month, "Are we fuck-ups?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mpLvUY8TUEHmmmm, not a good time to answer.
I do feel my most stressed when I am running late. Even though I know it isn't an emergency or a tragedy I feel really uncomfortable, chest tight, breathing fast, starting to say mean things to myself. I try to calm myself by telling myself it's not a big deal but I'm sure it does send a parade of stress hormones out every time I screech into work with a minute to spare.
It also takes away the sweetness of the time I might have enjoyed listening to music and reveling in some alone time.
I'm sad about all the time I spend running around trying to clean up or put things where there is no room when I ache to be sitting on the floor reading with the girls, taking a walk with Rob, meditating or reading.
Then there is the disappointing the children. Uggh.
Lily said to me Monday after vacation, "Mama why are we always late when you drive me? Not when I take the bus or Papa drives me?"
I was torn between, "Hey, that's 'cause your Mama is a cool mellow cat"( said with a wink) and a "I do the best I can! You were the one who couldn't find her damn boots!"
I cringed at both of them and tried to just hear her.
I said with all the integrity I could muster. "That's something I'm going to work on honey. I know you don't like to walk into class late and I'm sorry."
I took a breath and vowed to be different.
Then the next morning
THE NEXT MORNING
I slept in. (They had both got up in the middle of the night, Lily had a nightmare and Georgia wanted a drink. I had worked until midnight. I was tired.) Ugggh the excuses! I woke up with 35 minutes to be at school and we got there in 37. I thought that was amazing, but Lily was disappointed.
Holy crap; I felt like a heel.
I immediately thought to myself.
"Hey at least you're nice! Also, your not drunk or yelling at her!"
I need to raise my standards, which does involve feeling the genuine pain of those small repetitive failures. Sigh.
I have Monday AND Tuesday off this week. So thrilling I cannot stand it! Am hoping to have a budget blueprint started and everything on Yodlee maybe this week!
We actually went here a couple of weeks ago, but I just downloaded the photos. The museum was elegant, educational and free. I wondered why I hadn't been before but then Georgia got squirmy and bored and LOUD and I realized why.
Rob thinks his faces are funny; he doesn't pose compliantly when I ask him to smile. I liked this one, though, with the marble bust in the background.
