Herniated Disk

I got an MRI yesterday. (Pain and numbness have been shooting down my right leg for the last month)
Crazy.
That's not me in the photo. I was turned around the other way, but this photo makes it look kind of holy and serene. It is not. Luckily, as I was sauntering in with my book and my coffee I made a call to my friend who said, "Oh shit!" when I told her I was just popping in for an MRI. At least I had some warning that I would be placed in a tube with really loud noises around my head. (I apparently never thought I would need an MRI so I never paid any attention to what they entailed.)

Everyone was kind and calm at the facility but they ask the same questions over and over again. I'm sure this was for my safety but when I am asked 4 times (twice on paper and twice in person) if I have ever had anything metal stuck in my eye and I say emphatically "no" and they keep asking me; I start to question myself.
"Hmmm, I don't think I've had anything stuck in my eye. Maybe I did and I don't remember. Maybe, when I was a baby. I would know, though; right?"

A nice woman in white laid me on clean pillows and knowingly placed support under my knees so I could lie down without pain. She gave me large headphones covered in white cloth to listen to classical music. It felt like a spa. She said nothing about being trapped with my face in a tube (I figured because it was an MRI of my lower back My head would stick out) but she did quietly mention with a smile that some of the time I would not be able to hear the classical music I had requested due to the jackhammer noise. Hmmm.

Then into the tube I went and, yikes, there I was with my whole body inside, feeling like I barely fit. The inside of the tube was an inch or so above my nose. Ooh, some latent claustrophobia definitely emerged. I couldn't open my eyes; I felt if I did; I would surely freak out. She had gently told me not to move for the half hour procedure so I lay as still as I could, scared to breathe. I felt on the verge of panicking and then I realized it would probably be ok to take a good sized breath. Once I slowed my breathing, I felt better, but to endure the 30 minutes I had to start meditating/praying fervently. I almost burst out laughing from the intensity of the noise around my head. I couldn't hear the music at all; it was like a metallic jackhammer all around my head in a sporadic random beat. The tech's voice came over my headphones a few times to ask if I was doing ok and I mumbled "yup." It was nice to know someone was there, but it interrupted my pretending I wasn't there.

When it was done I emerged slowly from the tube on the mechanical table and declared, "Holy crap!" to a different tech who helped me up, saying, "Yeah, I talk people into going in there, but I have to be medicated to do it myself."
I was glad to get dressed, get out of there and into the sunshine.
I got a call from my doctor's office saying I have a small disk herniation.
She didn't know any more; they're making me an appointment with a spine doctor.
My back has been feeling much better, so I'm not sure what it means.
We'll see.

"The Universe Owes You Nothing

You have everything you need inside of you."

Is what Kellie Finn said to start our yoga class today.
Then she read this poem at the start and at the end of class.
















(Lily jumping off the high dock last week)


SO MANY GIFTS

There are so many gifts
Still unopened from your birthday,
There are so many hand-crafted presents
That have been sent to you by God.
The Beloved does not mind repeating,
"Everything I have is also yours."
Please forgive Hafiz and the Friend
If we break into a sweet laughter
When your heart complains of being thirsty
When ages ago
Every cell in your soul
Capsized forever
Into this infinite golden sea.
Indeed,
A lover's pain is like holding one's breath
Too long In the middle of a vital performance,
In the middle of one of Creation's favorite Songs.
Indeed, a lover's pain is this sleeping,
This sleeping,
When God just rolled over and gave you
Such a big good-morning kiss!
There are so many gifts, my dear,
Still unopened from your birthday.
O, there are so many hand-crafted presents
That have been sent to your life
From God.
~ Hafiz ~
(The Gift - versions of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky)

When we were holding a difficult pose Kellie would say, "What gift can you open today?"

My mind was filled with images of tiny presents wrapped in shimmering paper
bound up with
red and gold string.


Then, as I drove to work, the Tire Warehouse sign had been updated.






























I love the image of
unfurling tight sails,
looking up to see
billowing snapping white
canvas as it catches
the blowing wind.

Mid-Week in Maine

It’s Wednesday and it looks like a second beautiful day.

Exciting things:

Sheiky the African Gray Parrot is staying with us while Ned, who owns both Sheiky and our rental house, goes on a boat trip. Sheiky greeted me with a cheerful hello when I got back from yoga.

Jacqueline Lacoste teaches a yoga class in the beautiful community center, where I love an excuse to go and look at the ceiling; it feels like being in the hull of a big boat. I've been able to go during vacation week for four years now.

The first two years Jacqueline had an old golden retriever who would greet people as they came in and put their mats down, then he would settle quietly during class. Last year, no dog. I hated to ask, but I did. He had died during the winter.

I missed her peaceful dog and my Azalea as I lay there in Savasana at the end of class. I remembered how his gentle stirring and breathing were so welcome at that open time at the end of class.

The writing pages I did (as part of the The Writing Diet by Julia Cameron) just before I went to class were about "Where the hell is what I want? I’m doing everything aren’t I?" I was feeling gypped and frustrated about not having everything I wanted; even on vacation!

The quote Jacqueline read at the end of class took and shook me by the shoulders. I've heard it before, but this time it dropped into just the right place, like a stone.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

Rainer Maria Rilke Letters to a Young Poet

I felt like someone took me from where I was fixated on the horizon and turned me around to see what was in front of me. What's on the horizon will come soon enough.

I felt settled and peaceful as I emerged into the sunlight.

There, at the bottom of the steps was an old yellow lab. He looked me right in the eye as he paused in his slow walk home. His mother said kindly to him, "Home stretch." I said, "You can do it Buddy!" But it made me weepy. Sweet old dogs.

Maine Critters

Starfish collected during low tide at Bayside's rocky beach.

Hermit crabs from Kelly's Cove. Georgia feeding the ducks in Camden. Georgia talking to Sheiky with her matted vacation hair. Sand dollars on the dock.



























A Sea Urchin Rob grabbed from under the floating dock and Georgia holding a little green crab.

Stolen time

Yoga class canceled!. Here’s the locked door handle of the beautiful community center in Northport. I walked briskly up the street to the yoga class with my mat and tea (along with several other disappointed ladies.) The teacher had a note posted that she was away at a workshop. Uggh. It takes great effort to get out of the house, showered and dressed in dry clothes. I came home to an empty house and am trying to relax even though a bulldozer is re-grading the dirt road outside.

Time has slowed down; I am getting some reading done. Hooray.

I am reading Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson, which is going to have me eating and working out like a caveperson. It’s interesting and he is having a challenge starting Aug 3^rd that Rob and I are going to do.

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/

It makes me want to eat lots of chewy bread before I begin. (Neanderthals apparently didn’t eat bread)

I am also finally reading Harry Potter Half Blood Prince which I read for three hours last night. Fun! I’m hoping to finish and see the movie this week.

Ahhh, they’re done re-grading the road and it feels suddenly very silent and serene. I’m going to find them all now. It looks like the sun is poking through.

Trip to Maine started with a stop

in Andover, where my parents live, for an evening visit and sleepover. My mom works in a bookstore and has tons of books. I found The Writing Diet by Julia Cameron. It looks like an interesting combination of two things I do alot of, so I’ll bring it on the trip. We took a walk in the swamp behind my parent’s house that leads out to a field where I played as a kid.

8am Saturday morning we headed out. Stopping in Biddeford Pool to see some friends and experience me pacing about the beach nervously because the lifeguard told us there was a rip tide. Children couldn’t go above their knees or the might be pulled out and under the waves. Holy crap! Luckily there were tide pools and ice cream trucks.

Now were here and it’s cold and rainy. We’re making lots of hot chocolate and sitting by the propane stove that’s in the house where Rob’s brother, wife, his sister and the three cousins are staying.

Yesterday we had a rainy walk to the library, which looks like an enchanted place, but smells like a moldy basement, Rob walked in and then came flying out as if the place had spat him out, coughing and rubbing his red eyes.

Heading to Maine

For a week's vacation. Been going crazy the last few days trying to get doctors and car appointments done.
The baby wrens in the yard are just about to fledge. I saw their little faces looking at me through the little round hole this morning.
Their parents bring them bugs all day.
The father singing from dawn to dusk.
I hope they haven't all left when we get back; I'll really miss his chipper sweet song.
http://www.learnbirdsongs.com/birdsong.php?id=16

(I'll post about the trip when i get back. Have a good week!)