Heading to Maine

For a week's vacation. Been going crazy the last few days trying to get doctors and car appointments done.
The baby wrens in the yard are just about to fledge. I saw their little faces looking at me through the little round hole this morning.
Their parents bring them bugs all day.
The father singing from dawn to dusk.
I hope they haven't all left when we get back; I'll really miss his chipper sweet song.
http://www.learnbirdsongs.com/birdsong.php?id=16

(I'll post about the trip when i get back. Have a good week!)

Blueberry Picking

We went Blueberry picking with our friends Julie, Brian and Johnathan. Julie took us to River Valley Farm in Whatley. It turned out to be a beautiful hot afternoon. The blueberries were hanging off the bushes in clusters like blue grapes. Surprisingly Georgia was the most focused child picker. She liked the blue cup she got to hang around her neck.

Here's my friend Julie with the children fleeing in the background hot and tired of picking; they mutinied and headed for the cool car to watch a dvd. So much for child labor in the sweltering heat.










We ate handfuls of berries that day and then I threw the rest of them into the freezer and I'll make jam when we get back from vacation.

Missing Azalea

It's raining out, so we brought Azalea's garland in and hung it on the fireplace.

The house is empty and quiet without her.

The other night I came home from work for the first time since she died. I get home around 12:30am and the neighborhood is silent. For years, I've crept into the sleeping house and there she is. Since she's been deaf, she's usually asleep. I go pet her awake then feed her another meal and let her out for a chance to pee outside.

Not tonight.
There's no pointy ears and bright eyes looking at me from the corner near the fireplace.
"But what is that?" I thought, "brown and furry lying in her sleeping spot?" I tiptoed into the dark living room, closer and closer.

It was my fleece, my brown plush fleece that must have spilled out of the laundry basket.
I stood there in the dark room; it felt like a cruel joke. It was nothing but my stupid jacket.


I can't bear to get rid of her bowls.
My parents came the other day and filled the bowl with water for their dog and my back is too sore to bend over and dump it out.
The bowls are a bit confusing, but still soothing enough to leave there for the time being.

I want a visit from her.
A dream or
something that lets me know she's OK.

Sailing the ship

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. Louisa May Alcott



was the quote Kellie shared during quiet mediation at the end of yoga class yesterday.
Throughout the class she focused on the core, but not the abs, instead she referred to the inner spiritual and emotional core, How well you know yourself, your needs, and what brings you harmony. This awareness then allows you to be harmonious with others.

huh.

I realized I have spent so long ignoring my needs: sleep, exercise, quiet, work that feeds me, that it seems kind of sissy to really pay attention to my own tender self.

Also I guess I fear I'll really hate my job and my hours if I notice. (I know I am lucky to be there in so many ways, but I often feel depleted by the stressful environment of the hospital and the countless sad and sorry stories.)

But recently, maybe because my back has been sore, maybe because of reading how awed Elizabeth Lesser felt towards her own body after observing an open heart surgery. (The lungs and heart were so miraculous and so vulnerable, she was amazed.)

I thought, "How about being kind and supportive to myself and this physical body?"
"How about not telling myself to "hush up and move on" when I am feeling weak or sad?"
I pride myself on being resilient and adaptable, pushing though.
Life is so busy and things always feel like they're about to fall into a jumbled mess, but maybe it's time to accommodate myself a bit more.

And spend time and energy paying attention to better learning how to sail my own ship.

Sparklers!

Tonight our friend was over and the girls stayed up late. Late enough, it was actually DARK. New moon, so no moonlight.

The sparklers were beautiful;
the photos even better!

Here's Lily doing a swirl.

Steeping on the Windowsill

I went looking for St. Johnswort the other day. I was driving to the dump with one eye scouting for it. It's blooming everywhere along the roadsides.
The girls were getting sick of driving around; they really don't like going to the dump.
I tried to get them excited about hunting for magical plants. As I talked I realized that what I was telling them was true; I had just never articulated it before
I told them if you go looking for a plant; the plant will start looking for you. In a quiet mysterious way if you open up and relax, you will suddenly find yourself face to face with the plant you were wandering around thinking about.
I wanted a big patch of the straggly plant so I could take enough without decimating a whole gathering of plants. Also it had to be far from a busy roadside to decrease nasty car stuff and I needed it faraway from one of the many farm fields doused in pesticides.
After driving around a while, it was time to go home. On the way home I swung by the nearby private school. I had a feeling, but there was nothing. Disappointed, especially after my attempt-at-inspiration lecture, I turned the car around, and there, coming up the road from the other direction, I could see the perfect patch that had been hiding behind a hill, just waiting for me in the sun.
I cut a big bouquet to steep in olive oil and make a massage oil that does wonders for nerve pain; which I am having alot of with a sciatica attack that has been hounding me for a few months.


The the plants are in the oil on the windowsill. Soon they will turn a deep red. Rosemary Gladstar, the herbalist, writes about traveling around Switzerland where everyone had a jar of the red oil steeping in their windows.
Usually you hide the oils in the dark while they steep to prevent breakdown and molding, but this herb is so potent it somehow, magically she says, doesn't mold. The sunshine makes the potion even stronger.

When I came home I picked a card from Kris Waldherr's deck and this is what I got.

This Goddess Inspiration Oracle card was randomly chosen for you to reflect your day. It presents 80 goddesses from around the globe with inspiring messages and empowering stories of the Divine Feminine

All contents © Kris Waldherr 2008. All rights reserved.

Kris Waldherr, the artist who makes these cards said I could put them on my blog as long as I included this link to her facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/l/;KrisWaldherr.com.

Sitting on the toilet later (my only reading time!) I was reading last month's Oprah and was struck by an interview with Toni Morrison.

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200907-omag-toni-morrison-writing/3

She says about the creative process, "It's that being open—not scratching for it, not digging for it, not constructing something but being open to the situation and trusting that what you don't know will be available to you. It is bigger than your overt consciousness or your intelligence or even your gifts; it is out there somewhere and you have to let it in."

Sounds like looking for herbs, but not looking.....

Hope and Faith

The other day at the park I was standing with my friend Kate R.
A man came up and asked me the time.
It was 11:11 am.
I said it outloud, feeling like, "You have got to be kidding me."
He walked away.
Kate said, "Make a wish!"
Then she looked at my face (she had read my blog post about numbers and 11:11) and said, "Oh yeah, you wrote about that number."
I stammered, exasperated , "I just don't know what to do with it!
And she said, with a big kind smile,

"Oh, I think it's just about hope."

Then we got distracted by children and went off to do other things, but I think her simple generous answer rings true.
It's about hope.


Another time she and I were talking about some parenting or financial conundrum and I asked her, "What are you going to do?" and she answered with a shrug, "The universe will provide. Worrying will do no good."
That was months ago, but it came back to me recently.
I have been stricken with financial anxiety lately and the fear I will always work more than I want to and spend less time with my family than I want to. The only way I can seem to make more money to lessen the money anxiety is to spend time away from nature and my family which leads to a different sadness and anxiety. Ugggh.

I've been stopping the sad angry spiral with:

"The universe will provide."

Azalea's passage was so peaceful and timely. I feel so blessed that things turned out like they did. I miss her. Tonight I really miss her.
But something in her sweet passage has deepened my faith, convinced me the chaos of our lives has a beautiful gracious meaning.

I'm going to step a bit more into that faith.

We'll see what happens.